The Sounds of Secrets Page 17

  Once we were at the double arch, Lotte let go of my hold to climb up to it herself.

  “Be careful,” I cautioned, feeling a little blip of anxiety roll through me as she managed the climb up to it. The double arches looked like two rings, attached along one side and split apart on the other. It amazed me that these were still standing, after so many people visiting the area and so much erosion. The front of the first one had a delicate-looking top, like with too much pressure it would crumble.

  “Come on,” Lotte said, motioning to me with her hand. “Let’s get our picture taken.”

  I asked one of the guys beside me to take our photo and joined Lotte under the first arch. I looked up cautiously at the top of the arch, worried however irrationally that it could come crumbling down upon us. Lotte came around me again, hugging me sideways with her hand on my chest, and my heart settled.

  When I looked down at her, the wind had picked up and blown her hair all over the place. She was laughing as she tried to push it away, so, using both hands, I gathered it behind her head in one fist. The guy snapped our photo and then I let go of her hair, but my arm came around her as we started the climb down. And as we made our way back to the car, I didn’t let go of her hand.

  Chapter Eighteen

  We continued our way through the park, stopping at various scenic viewpoints when I finally mentioned the text I’d received earlier, before arriving at the park. It’d been from Teddy, asking me to meet up with them at a nearby campground later that night. Since I’d filled him in on Sam visiting, he’d been checking on me, feeling bad for having, in his words, abandoned me after my leg injury.

  “So, they’re all at a campground tonight and they want you to join?” Sam asked, his mouth in a line and his eyes focused on the road. He seemed annoyed for some reason, but I didn’t want to press it with him.

  “We don’t have to if you don’t want to,” I said. But that only seemed to annoy him further, because he released a deep sigh and shook his head.

  “I’m … no, that’s fine. We can definitely do that. It sounds great.”

  But I didn’t believe him, not really. I wanted to bring it up later, but by the time we were most of the way through the park, our talk turned to what we’d be doing for dinner. We’d brought some gas station snacks with us, but I was beginning to crave something of substance. Before we could leave, however, we had one more place to stop at along the way, an arch called the Delicate Arch.

  “It’s a three-mile hike,” I told Sam. I looked pointedly and doubtfully at my boot.

  “I’ll carry you,” he said, like it was no big deal. “This is purported to be one of the world’s most photographed arches. We’re not going to miss it, Lots.”

  The idea of Sam carrying me the entire time didn’t sit well with me, but I knew he was in some ways more stubborn than me, so I followed him as well as I could on the trek to the arch.

  About twenty minutes into the hike, sweat was dripping down my legs and I regretted wearing my leggings. Even with the little bit of wind, the trek was challenging enough that my muscles began to ache. Sam walked behind me, to keep an eye on me if need be, and more than once I had to stop and drink water.

  “It’s hot, yeah?” he asked, as we paused just off the trail. A number of travelers passed us by, but then one stopped.

  “You’re brave,” he said, mopping at his forehead. “Attempting this hike with that boot.”

  Sam and I exchanged a look.

  “Up ahead, there’s a narrow shelf—about as wide as a sidewalk. The drop off’s a bit scary, so hug the inside wall.”

  Sam turned green. “A drop off?”

  “Yes, you go across a ledge. Just for a few hundred feet,” the man said in between sips of water.

  “Maybe we should go back.” I did a double take, surprised by Sam’s sudden reluctance.

  “There’s another way to view the arch, but it just doesn’t compare to this way, and you can’t get close to it.”

  “It’ll be fine,” I said, willing to continue since we’d gone this far already. I grabbed Sam’s hand and squeezed. “We’re getting closer. Let’s get there, rest a second, and head back.”

  “You’ll want to rest a bit. It’s a beautiful sight,” the man said. “Just take it easy. If us flatlanders can do it with little difficulty, you should have no problem. It’s worth it.” He waved at us and continued with a woman back to the area we’d come from.

  I looked at Sam, who looked torn between turning around and going forward, based on the way his head kept going in both directions.

  “It’ll be fine, Sam. We’ve come so far, it’d be sad to turn around now.”

  “I’m afraid of heights,” he confessed, his face still that funny green color.

  “Oh.” I stepped closer to him and placed my hand on his chest. Sure enough, his heart was beating rapid-fire. “It’ll be fine, Sam. I’ll be there. And you heard the man, it’s worth it. We can do this.” When he still didn’t move, I cupped his cheek. “Okay?”

  He turned to me and nodded, but his jaw was set.

  We continued on the hike, with Sam carrying me through the more rocky areas. Once we’d reached the sidewalk-width ledge the man had mentioned, I got off of Sam’s back and got in front of him. “We can do this,” I told him, when he turned his head away from the drop off. “Just look at me, okay?”

  I turned my body sideways so that I was facing the rock and encouraged him to mimic me. I grabbed his left hand with my right and placed my left palm on the rock.

  “Look at me,” I told him. I still couldn’t see the arch, but I knew this ledge was the last obstacle to it. “It’s going to be easy, Sam. Just a few hundred feet and we’ll be there.”

  He nodded, but he looked green about the gills. I squeezed his hand tight and moved left, along the rock face. I had to force myself to stare into his eyes, so ready to look away. But he was counting on me, and I didn’t want to let him down.

  “Come on, Sam,” when he paused along the wall to glance over his shoulder. “You have nothing to worry about—just keep moving with me.”

  Once we had gotten across the ledge, the arch came suddenly into view.

  “Look at that, Sam,” I said, pausing just outside of the ledge. I understood why it was called the Delicate Arch, because it was so eroded that it looked like it could crumble relatively easily.

  Sam was still holding my hand as I pulled him up the rest of the way, walking carefully around the crater that was on the other side of the rock wall we’d hugged on the way over to the arch. There was a smooth landing area where a lot of people were sitting down, and a queue of people waited for their turn to get a photo under the arch itself.

  Sam and I walked to where people were sitting and looking at the arch, taking in the way it hung near the side of a steep slope, like a defiant spectacle against Mother Nature. It hung on the side of that bowl-like crater, alone. There had been rocks around it, based on the boulders that remained, but only the arch stood strong.

  “I’m sorry,” Sam said when we were sitting down on the smooth space that overlooked what seemed like miles and miles of red rock terrain. “I can usually rein in my nerves, but realizing that I’d put us in this predicament made me feel incredibly foolish. I didn’t know how difficult the hike would be.”

  “It’s fine,” I assured him, and leaned gently against him. His arm came around me and I settled on his chest. “Look at that view.”

  “Lotte, you pulled me through that.”

  I turned my head, looking back at him. “Well, you made me walk halfway before you almost chickened out. I wasn’t going to go back after you made such a fuss over seeing this arch.”

  He laughed, and his hand grazed my elbow. “You were brave. Well done.”

  I smiled to myself, realizing that I could have easily agreed with him and gone back to the car. I’d been the one to help us get here.

  “We’re going to get to see the sunset,” Sam told me, shoving his backpack under
my foot to elevate it. “The sun’s coming down fast now.”

  “I bet the colors that go across the arch will be gorgeous.”

  Sam laughed and when I pressed him to tell me what was so funny, he shook his head. “No, it’s silly.”

  “Tell me.”

  “The arch. It’s like you.”

  I looked doubtfully at it. “How do you figure?”

  We both looked out at the arch. “It appears delicate, but still manages to be defiant. It’s withstood probably millions of years.”

  I was flattered, embarrassed, and in disbelief. “Come on, Sam. I went to America for four weeks and broke a bone in my leg. I’m hardly unbreakable like that arch.”

  “You’re delicate. But you’re also defiant.” He looked at me, and I noticed then how the sun setting painted oranges and yellow across his face. His eyes shined. “You’re the one who talked me the rest of the way up here. You’re the one with the broken leg bone, and you’re the one who helped me—a man who has zero handicaps—across a ledge.”

  “You were afraid,” I told him. “Why wouldn’t I help you? You came all the way here just to help me.”

  “You know my fears. What are yours? What are you afraid of? You know my secret. What’s yours?”

  My heart picked up its pace. I took a deep breath. “Loving someone who doesn’t love me back.”

  Nothing else existed for the brief few seconds after I said that. It was just Sam and me, with him searching my eyes for the deeper truth behind what I was saying. I couldn’t believe I’d told him that—given him one of my biggest secrets.

  “That’s what you’re afraid of? Love can’t exist without fear, Lotte.”

  I thought about what he said. I loved my family so deeply, that the thought of losing them, after having lost so much, was definitely a true fear. But it felt defeating to admit that love grew with fear, that fear was inevitable. “I wish it didn’t.” My breaths felt shallower, with all the space anxiety was taking up in my chest. Did he know I was talking about him?

  “Me too. But, it does. It’s complicated, you know? We have a hard time finding the one we’re meant to be with, but then when we do, we’re afraid to take the risk.”

  “Sometimes taking a risk isn’t even an option. Sometimes you just love them regardless.”

  He cocked his head to the side, regarding me. I worried my cheeks were inflamed, but hoped that with the sun slowing sinking behind the horizon, the shadows would grant me a small favor. “Sometimes.”

  I hated that my mind went to Della in that moment. I hated it. It made me feel like I’d just swallowed vinegar-soaked cotton balls. Thinking of Della was this never-ending plague upon my heart, reminding me that I wasn’t enough. Wouldn’t be enough in the end. I wasn’t the person Sam was meant to be with, because I wasn’t the person he couldn’t stay away from. The fact that he was that for me made it much more unbearable.

  But I took a deep breath and turned my attention to the arch, pushing it from my mind. Just like loving Sam hadn’t been a choice, I didn’t have much of a choice now but to put thoughts of Sam’s ex to the side.

  As the sun set some more, the area became more condensed with people, but since the sky was darkening it wasn’t a big deal. Sam’s arm came more tightly around me as the sun lowered, leaving a cool wind in its wake. The sweat that I’d produced on the walk was rapidly cooling my body down now that we weren’t moving, so I was getting colder by the second.

  “After this, we’ll go to the campground,” Sam said. “Will they have dinner?”

  “It’ll be a later dinner, but yes. The campground has a pool, too.”

  “A night swim might be nice.” Sam’s lips spread in a smile and with the way the sunset cast low light over him, he looked impossibly beautiful. It struck me then, as it had often over the last few days, how lucky I was to be with him, in his presence. We weren’t a couple, but for the next few days we were together, and getting all this one-on-one time with Sam not only enabled me to get to know him a little bit better, but it made me feel like he was getting to know me, too.

  I just had to push the fact that in three days, we’d be going back to reality.

  Chapter Nineteen

  After watching the light play over the arch, we left the park, bound for the campground in Moab. Lotte was silent most of the way, but a kind of peace had seemed to settle over her after leaving the park. We stopped along the way to grab an extra sleeping bag, but I refused to buy an air mattress even though Lotte told me she had one for herself. I would be fine sleeping on the ground for a night.

  We grabbed a few more supplies and shortly before dinner time, we were pulling into the commercial campground. One thing that I noticed right away was the complete lack of fire pits. There were grills that people stood around, chatting, but there weren’t big rings filled with fire.

  “They’re the fifteenth campsite, they said. Just after the bathrooms.”

  We turned down a dirt road inside the camp until we came up to a bunch of cars parked along the road, barricading the actual campsite from the surroundings.

  Lotte jumped out of the Jeep before I could help her down. I was surprised she wasn’t more tired, considering the miles we’d hiked together in the park and how she’d insisted on walking most of them herself.

  She waited for me to join her before we snuck between a couple of the cars and walked across the dirt to where people were sat at a picnic table, playing cards. A grill was beside them, and I could smell sausage on the grates as the flames licked them. Now that the sun was fully set, it was nearly pitch black except for the lanterns that lit up the table and its occupants.

  “Lotte!” A guy with blond hair jumped up from his seat at the table, and a few other heads turned to look at us.

  “Hey, Teddy.” Lotte smiled a genuine smile before the guy enveloped her in a big hug.

  “How’s the leg?”

  “Eh.” She lifted the boot and set it back down. “Mostly dead weight.” She looped an arm through mine and leaned into me. “This is Samson. He’s from back home.”

  It was the first time Lotte introduced me as anything, to anyone, and I found it interesting that she didn’t call me a friend from home, or the best mate to her brother. I was from home, which I would take over those two any day. Really, Lotte didn’t feel entirely like a friend to me. Not with what we’d done together.

  I had an irrational need to suddenly stake my claim on her. Not that I owned her, but seeing three pairs of male eyes taking her—and by association, me—in, I wanted to make it clear that she was here … with me. I didn’t know the history she’d formed with these guys in the month she’d been away, and I wished then that I did. Had she had feelings for any of them? Did they have feelings for her?

  “Hey, Samson. I’m Teddy.” The blond guy stuck out his hand and I shook it, glancing beyond him at the other two men and the woman at the table.

  “Sam’s fine. I’m told you were the one taking care of our girl here?” I mentally cringed at the way I sounded. Like I was Lotte’s older brother.

  “Until I wrecked my leg, yes, he did.” Lotte smiled up at Teddy, but there was nothing romantic about the way she looked at him, which gave me some reassurance.

  As we approached the table, the woman climbed out of the picnic table. Graceful, much like Lotte, and approached us. Her hair was a wild, untamed red, and her green eyes sparkled when she reached out and hugged Lotte.

  “I thought we’d seen the last of you,” she said, letting go of her.

  “I thought so too. But Sam had other ideas.” They both turned to look at me and she stuck out her hand.

  “I’m Joss. The guy with the beard is my boyfriend Garrett. And that’s our friend and resident tagalong, Ryan.”

  The two other guys raised hands in greeting, but they were taking me in just as much as I was taking them in.

  “Nice to meet you all,” I said. I gave Joss a friendly smile. “Thank you for the introductions, Joss.”

&nbs
p; Joss smiled back at me, and Lotte leaned tighter against me. “We’re sweaty, dirty messes from the park.”

  “You should take a swim in the pool house.” Joss pointed behind us. “You can rinse off in the shower there and then get in. It feels amazing in there, and it’s heated.”

  I looked at Lotte. Normally I was the kind of person who was very comfortable in large groups—I could even be accused of being a social butterfly. But for some reason, knowing Lotte and I only had a few days before going back to London, I selfishly wanted as much time with her as possible. “A swim sounds good to me,” I told her.

  She nodded. “We can do that, and then come back here for dinner?”

  “No problem. Do you have a tent? We can set that up while you swim.”

  “Yeah, since Lotte’s not gotten the hang of setting up tents quite yet,” Teddy said with a laugh.

  “Ha-ha,” Lotte mocked. “But sure. I’m not going to pass up you setting it up for me.”

  I grabbed the tent and air mattress and returned to the picnic table where Teddy took it from me. “We’ll have to set you guys up under the tree—we weren’t sure if Lotte was coming and if she was, if she was going to stay the night, so there isn’t room closer to the grill.”

  “That’s fine,” Lotte said. She grabbed my hand. “We’ll be back.”

  They waved us off and we grabbed our bags from the back of the Jeep before making our walk to the pool house.

  “Get on my back, and take a load off.”

  Lotte didn’t even argue this time, she climbed right up on my back and I hooked my hands under her knees before taking off in a slight jog all the way to the pool house across the campground. She laughed, the vibration going right from her chest to my back, and I ran faster, wanting her to laugh again. Which she did. I had this sudden burst of energy. I didn’t know if it was from being out in the fresh air all day or from just being with Lotte, but I jogged all the way to the pool house with her on my back, relishing each laugh she gave me.